Old and Poor

I never dreamed I'd end up here.

I thought I had a plan when I started college at twenty-eight as a single parent of a three year old.  I knew I was getting a late start, but I was trying to remedy another broken dream.

I had high hopes as I worked and parented those next four years, almost giving up half way through, but my wise faculty mentor told me something that made me carry on.  He said, "Well, two years is going to go by anyway, no matter what you do, but you could also graduate by then."

So I did, child in tow, and I made it to the finish line with a degree.

A new relationship and another major move made me hopeful for the future.  But things don't always work out like we planned.  An unexpected traumatic event had me running for my life.  

My son safely in another state visiting his Dad, I only had to fend for myself.

Eventually I got back on my feet - and on my path - but my confidence was shaken and now I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

Reunited with my son, we lived in a nice quiet town, rebuilding our lives.

I could see my dreams once more, smaller and more practical than before - but still possible.

Then another relationship, this one looked promising, we could build our dreams together.

Now both in our forties, it was crunch time I thought, buy a house, save money, build a business.

Before I knew it I was fifty and alone again.  How the hell did this happen? Can't I count on anyone?

A few misguided decisions and a lot more debt found me here, in this old mobile home, getting another chance.

Overshadowing PTSD and complete loss of self esteem, I just put my head down and did what I knew how to do - survive.  I sustained a small one person business in this nearly remote area and learned how to fix my house myself.

It's been challenging and a bit lonely, but I have gained pride and knowledge these past twelve years.  Expecting less and just figuring things out on my own gave me back my confidence.

When I had an opportunity to apply for a weatherization program, I qualified of course, as a low income senior citizen, and I am excited and grateful for the improvements that my home qualifies for.

What I can't wrap my head around is this - am I old and poor?  Honestly I don't feel like either.  Sure, there are things I'd like to have I cant afford, but I drive a decent car, have a roof over my head, a job, and I eat pretty good.

I think it all boils down to your perception of your life;   past, present and future.  How will I internalize this?  As one mistake after another?  Or one opportunity after another.

And age is just a number.  If you buy into society's interpretation, anything after sixty-five is just death waiting to happen.

I think I was right when I was twenty-eight;  have big dreams, work hard, pick yourself up when you fall and just move on.

Who knows how long I'll stay here, maybe another opportunity will arise to experience.  If it doesn't, at least my home will be in good shape and paid for before I retire.