Old and Poor

I never dreamed I'd end up here.

I thought I had a plan when I started college at twenty-eight as a single parent of a three year old.  I knew I was getting a late start, but I was trying to remedy another broken dream.

I had high hopes as I worked and parented those next four years, almost giving up half way through, but my wise faculty mentor told me something that made me carry on.  He said, "Well, two years is going to go by anyway, no matter what you do, but you could also graduate by then."

So I did, child in tow, and I made it to the finish line with a degree.

A new relationship and another major move made me hopeful for the future.  But things don't always work out like we planned.  An unexpected traumatic event had me running for my life.  

My son safely in another state visiting his Dad, I only had to fend for myself.

Eventually I got back on my feet - and on my path - but my confidence was shaken and now I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

Reunited with my son, we lived in a nice quiet town, rebuilding our lives.

I could see my dreams once more, smaller and more practical than before - but still possible.

Then another relationship, this one looked promising, we could build our dreams together.

Now both in our forties, it was crunch time I thought, buy a house, save money, build a business.

Before I knew it I was fifty and alone again.  How the hell did this happen? Can't I count on anyone?

A few misguided decisions and a lot more debt found me here, in this old mobile home, getting another chance.

Overshadowing PTSD and complete loss of self esteem, I just put my head down and did what I knew how to do - survive.  I sustained a small one person business in this nearly remote area and learned how to fix my house myself.

It's been challenging and a bit lonely, but I have gained pride and knowledge these past twelve years.  Expecting less and just figuring things out on my own gave me back my confidence.

When I had an opportunity to apply for a weatherization program, I qualified of course, as a low income senior citizen, and I am excited and grateful for the improvements that my home qualifies for.

What I can't wrap my head around is this - am I old and poor?  Honestly I don't feel like either.  Sure, there are things I'd like to have I cant afford, but I drive a decent car, have a roof over my head, a job, and I eat pretty good.

I think it all boils down to your perception of your life;   past, present and future.  How will I internalize this?  As one mistake after another?  Or one opportunity after another.

And age is just a number.  If you buy into society's interpretation, anything after sixty-five is just death waiting to happen.

I think I was right when I was twenty-eight;  have big dreams, work hard, pick yourself up when you fall and just move on.

Who knows how long I'll stay here, maybe another opportunity will arise to experience.  If it doesn't, at least my home will be in good shape and paid for before I retire.

Risk Authenticity

I have been mulling over how to write my own version of the election results here.  I am one of many who are disappointed in the results, however, what I really want to express came after some reading I did from Buddhist leaders, and today I watched a Ted Talk from Brene Brown about Vulnerability.

Risk authenticity and just express how you feel.  I find it best to do this within my own tribe first, to get my feet wet, then branching out from there.  But be informed and be kind.

Personally, I don't vote for anyone who supports racism, but I also didn't think it wise to let someone run the country who had never been a politician.  We don't usually hire managers off the street, so that was just bad business.
I let my gut tell me how to feel about a person, I always have.  I have good instincts and high intuition.  I knew he wasn't right for the job.

Aside from all the obvious stuff that has already been aired, I really see this as a Shift, an opportunity for Big change.  OK, it's out, and the country is split. everyone is mad as hell, and at each other.  This is not where we should start.

For me personally, it became apparent just a few days after the results were out and I was on a day trip with a friend who happens to be a conservative republican.  I was hoping to not talk politics at all, and we almost got through the whole day, but somehow it came up and I feel I was ambushed into a corner.  Not really her fault.  My lesson there was how apparent it was to me that I was uninformed and couldn't even defend myself!  My fault.  Knowledge is power, that is correct, and I have seen the light!

After a recent meditation I came away feeling compassion for all of us.  I also felt hope and acceptance.  But it will take some time to sort things out before others calm down, some just won't, but that's in their nature.

So risking authenticity is to be vulnerable, and vulnerable is a state of openness.  The risk of course is not knowing the outcome, but that's just life.

I think this Shift will be different for all of us, it will be very personal and many will grow because of it.  I know I have already.